My Book Is Out!!!

Its my book!!!

Check it out! (if you like to “check”)!

I wrote it with my hands and now it’s this!!

£6 from Lulu online

or £5 cash if you come and see me at a show!!

A self-help book by Amy Hoggart’s cat loving character.

Ever wondered whether you’re the only one in the world who feels the way you do? Pattie Brewster used to. Until she googled: “What to do if you’ve lost your shoes, your hair’s taking over your head, and you never have anything to do all day except just sit around like in your itchy dressing gown and hat”. To her surprise 535,000 sites came up. So she decided to go on all of them! With so much research behind her, plus nothing on till Christmas/March, Pattie decided to write a book to help everyone else out for once.

The result is a self-help bible to make you, if not happy, positive and successful, then at the very least, smaller and more like Pattie.

This is for you if you: Ever fall over regularly out of sadness.

This book isn’t for you if you: Are in any way related to Pattie; Were mean to her during her formative years (or any other years); Are called Josephine Henderson; Or Clara Marks

How to set goals to achieve your dreams! The PATTIEBRWSR system for success! :)

And when you know where you’re going to

There’ll be no stopping you

If only you could remember your dream

You could be all the things you’ve always wanted to be -

~ ‘Life’s a dream’, The Lighthouse Family


Everyone knows that having dreams and goals means you can achieve anything in the whole world that you want (not even within reason :) ). But did you also know that they’re essential for your health? As Kola Olutimehin (‘Dream-Driver and an internationally acclaimed inspirational speaker’) writes, not having any can actually kill you:

”A dream elongates your life and gives you a mastery over death; because death, which is a wicked angelic being, recognises and respects the practical dreamer’”

Yikes! Plus: completely true. I know this because my Grandfather (who I was actually named after! Surname-wise) didn’t have a dream. When I knew him, he was always just lying about being lazy in his hospital bed. He clearly had no goals or ambitions, and this is what eventually killed him, aged 98. Around the time of his massive heart attack.


So  a lot of websites and self-help books will be out there stressing the important of having goals and dreams, while dishing out lots of ‘advice’ about how to achieve them. They’ll often millions or a least some different sets of rules with letters in them (SWOT, PEST, STEER, SMART, EPISTEL, ATM etc), helping you remember the lists of steps you need to take  in order to make you more likely to get what you want. Now I’ve visited all of these sites, and I’ve read all of the books. Most of these are scientifically crappy, and you can tell this because most of the first letters in the steps don’t even spell out actual words! Or if they do, they only spell out the rubbish ones*.


But you needn’t worry! I’ve come up with a better system that I think you’re all going to really like today. Follow these Pattie steps to success, and achieve all of your dreams today! Plus forever!


Pattie Brewster’s steps to success! By the lady that you keep banging on about! (Pattie)

Possible. Make sure you goal is actually possible. Don’t try to do something you can’t do! I once invented a game called Jump-fly, where you jump off something really high and aim to fly instead of fall down and crash. I wanted to be the best at it, but I couldn’t because my goal turned out actually not to be possible. You can still see the damage I endured from the angle that my bones currently stick out at, plus from the lasting sadness behind my eyes.


Affirmative. Make sure you express your goals as positive statements rather than negative ones. As in: “Be as good-natured as a cat” rather than “do not be as ratty as a dog”.


Time-bound. Give yourself a specific window of time in which to achieve this. By next wednesday for instance, or any any of the other wednesdays in the future.


Trackable. Make sure you can measure it to see how far you’ve got! Ever wondered why a ruler has numbers on it? Or a list of numbers has numbers on it? Now you know!


Illegal. Or better yet: not illegal.


Easy. Make sure you can actually do it. This is exactly the same point as my first one. I just like the letter E following the letters P, A, T, T and I. -


Be informed: Do your research so you know how to make the goal happen. When I decided to try and make friends earlier this year**, I made a whole research documentary to find out how you make friends! It only cost me 11 months of my life, plus £27,000. I have absolutely no regrets about this experience for a second, as I know so much more now (for instance: don’t follow people around for days, and if you do, don’t narrate the process aloud while you’re at it). And anyway, I’d only have otherwise have just frittered all that time and money away on calling those expensive phone numbers where you can chat to women in your area for friendship.


Really goaly: make sure it’s a genuine goal, not something else, say a chair or a long sleep.


Write it down: Writing things down makes them seem more real and tangible. It also confirms your willingness to make it happen. Another advantage of writing your goals down is that if you tend to write in scented, sparkly ballpoint pens, you get to sniff as you write. Smelling nice things is often preferable to smelling bad things. If you don’t use scented gel pens, you can make your own by rubbing the pens you are using in some food. I actually drafted this blog post in last night’s gravy. It’s beefy, onion-y, and soaking wet at the moment. But at least it’s better than a boring biro.


Specific: If your goal isn’t clear or well-defined, it’ll be harder to achieve as you won’t really know what it means. Instead of aiming to be “the best girl in the world”, be more specific and strive to be “the actually best girl in the whole entire world”.


Really good: Bit of a personal preference here, but I like good stuff!


So those are the PATTIEBRWSR steps to success. And before I get streams of obnoxious emails, those letters haven’t been used because they in any way resemble my name. First point, I can see no resemblance at all. Second point, I am not so self-involved that I would come up with goals just to fit into the letters of my name! AND ANYWAY I couldn’t think of any for two of the Es and the last T so your point doesn’t even work anyway!! HA!


Good luck with your goals plus the rest of your lives guys! x o x your girl Pattie


PS: Oh actually I’ve just thought of some more steps SO THERE!

Excellent: Try to make your goals as excellent as you can. Or even, egg-free, exciting, English, edible, edgy etc.

Trinkets: don’t make them into trinkets anyone! That would be a bit weird! It doesn’t even make any sense at all. What are you talking about ‘trinkets’?

Every day I wake up and the world is still the same dull shade of grey, and I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.


* ‘PEST’? What actually even is a ‘pest’?! If I ever got called a pest by someone – my next door neighbour for instance I don’t know – I’d have to respond by saying that I didn’t know what they were talking about! I have never systematically harrassed anyone or their property in my life! I also have no stolen pets on my own premises, and I actually do need to keep doing my daily garden rituals. How else how will I keep the devil out of my shrubs?


**didn’t work out, long story, everyone else turned out to be horrendous, and no one appreciated the presents of money I gave out, or the sets of keys I had cut for my house.

Charisma, gas meters, and creating a memorable first impression

Making a massive and memorable impact on people when you first meet them is an important social skill. A bit like chess, and maybe not always spitting quite so much. Because I rarely deal with others (I love to stay in! :) :) :) ) I make sure I go big when I do. Say I see one other human-person a month, I store up a 28 days’ worth of charisma and eye contact, and then really let it out on them. So far in my life, having just met someone for the first time, I’ve been referred to as: unique, intimating, unusual, a girl, dizzying, hugely excitable, unnerving, larger than life, unique again, very springy, Pattie, brown-haired, disconcerting, border-line, loud and extremely close. I have also only had some let their dog on me once, and I am very rarely arrested. On the occasions people haven’t given me their first impressions of me, I’ve helped them out by doing it for them! Having a list of personal first impressions of yourself to give people is very handy. Mine includes: fine, ok, alright, Pattie Brewster, not evil and could-be-worse.


“Why the focus on first impressions Pat?”

DO NOT CALL ME PAT!!!! And if you are going to, at least apologise after!

Anyway, ignoring that interruption… The answer to your interruption is that the benefit of having a strong and positive impact on someone is that you’re far more likely to gain influence them emotionally, physically and intellectually. Forever. Really charismatic people can affect others’ thoughts, attitudes and behaviour, and some can even induce devotional responses from those they meet. That’s when you KNOW you’re in charge. I always aim to at the very minimum gain total and full control over everyone I meet.

“Sounds impressive as usual Pattie!”

Well observed. And because it’s Christmas Day today (is it? I forgot to check again), as a little present I’m providing a example for you! To show you how it’s done.


Pattie Example – “the examples you’re allowed to know you love!”
The other day someone popped round to read the gas meter and they got a massive load of Pattie Charisma. The effect was a combination of impressive, enlightening and gas-meter-y. The black/grey text below is our conversation, transcribed after I watched back the CCTV footage.* In the colour pucey-lilac, I have also included tips on how to have charisma and make a strong social impact. Follow these steps and you’ll have gas readers everywhere, every day.


“OH hello what do you know I’m here my name’s Pattie I’m using the door! ‘Escuse the house scent! Who are you name-wise?” 1. Be confident and assertive.

“Right, I’m er…. from British Gas, I’m here to read the meter”

“Oh a ‘meter’ or something? Hmm I get it! Sounds about right, apparently. Are you here about a meter then? Do you? Well I know all about that! My name Pattie and I know so much things,  I know all the stuff, do you like gas then? I bet you are! 2. Speak well, coherently and with clarity.


“Well anyway, speaking of Pattie, I know all about a lot of the facts. I knew about: a lot of the things, some of the truth 2012, you coming in about a gas meter…” 3. Make your expertise, assets and skills be known.

“Could I come in to read it”

“I don’t KNOW! I am not magic! How should I know everything, always? I’m only a girl in this world trying to make my way! Have you met my cat Paul?” 4. Be humble. If you don’t know something – admit this.


“HMMMM then?” 5. Be a great listener. Remember to listen more than you talk.

“It’ll just take a minute?”

“Good because I’ve got things to do, and the cats. I’m still waiting! I’m trying to hear you I want to know the things I am waiting and I am listening and I cannot be perfect I’m just trying to get by! I’m feeling increasingly sad about you and I don’t know how long I can cope in this life”. 6. Admit your feelings and be open and honest.

“Where is your gas meter? Could I just squeeze past?”

[At this point I was just sitting on the floor in the doorway while we chatted. He remained standing, which really showed the difference between us and our levels of confidence.] 7. Be relaxed in your stance and demeanor.

[I stood up and squared him straight in his pinky eyes for the eye contact.  A little known Pattie fact is that I can actually go between 10 seconds and 1 week without blinking! It is both intense and watery/dry.] 8. Look directly at the person you are speaking to.

“Ok mister come straight through I love the gas meter cupboard and it’s big enough for a whole man to fit in! It’s the cupboard of everyone’s dreams! You’re going to have a brilliant time in there I bet!” 9. Be enthusiastic and optimistic.

“Ok thanks”

[I showed him in, pointed out the gas meter, closed the door behind him and locked it from the outside. Instant live-in friend!] 10. Be yourself.


Hope that helps you! See you later and forever guys! xxx Pattie :) :)


**For anyone doubting the financial investment that is CCTV all over your property (I’m a girl that likes to spy!), this whole blog post should have changed your mind.

How confident are you? Quiz time in here guys!!!!:)

Ever known about a thing called ‘self confidence’?

Well if not, tonight is your night (day)!!

Self-confidence can be defined as something very good, that you should want to have (if you don’t already).


But how do you know if you already have it?

This is the thing. Like some of the diseases, self-confidence is something you may have without actually knowing you do. If you don’t have it you’ll definitely need to keep reading my blog forever to get some tips on how to become more confident. If you do have it, you’ll still need to keep reading because in a future post we’ll be addressing whether or not you actually have the right to feel confident at all. Sad fact is that some people are too confident, despite not actually being any good.

Let’s see how you fare!



Are you self-confident? The Pattie way to know what you maybe don’t know!

1. You wake up in the morning and realise you’ve got nothing on for the day again (NOTHING). Do you:

a) Feel sad and low about yourself because no one’s coming round as per
b) Know that in your heart that it’s ok! You got yourself and your pets and all of your things and you’re going to be FINE FOREVER! :) :) :)


2. You get on a bus because it’s one of those months where you annoyingly need to leave the house. Do you:
a) Sit straight down like a seat dweeb
b) Try to make friends with all the other passengers and the driver by telling them some Pattie facts 2012 and handing out presents


3. You’re at at a party. Are you:
a) There (at the party)
b) Not there. I’ve got other stuff to be getting on with!!!!


4. You look in the mirror, what do you see?
a) Yourself
b) Pattie


5. Someone is being an annoying sneak and a doink to you. Do you:
a) Cyy (you’re a massive cry baby)
b) Tell them confidently that you are the BOSS and you are in charge and that’s the final line!! And do NOT try to bring me down I am a NICE girl you are not the boss of me and you never will be I am Pattie!!!


6. Someone’s come to the front door. Here we go! You know that when you’re having a conversation with another human person, you’re meant to use your eyes. Do you:

a) Talk to them, but avoid staring because you’re scared
b) Maintain intense eye contact them using your special no-blink technique


7. It’s your childhood again and everyone in your family is telling you to go away. Do you
a) Stay put and begin altering your social behavioural patterns to avoid getting such frequent negative reactions from everyone in your life.
b) Go away! Fine by me!! I’m better off alone! AND I enjoy a swamp!

8. The girls at school have come up with a new nickname for someone and you don’t know whether to find out if it’s yours. Do you:

a) Not care. Plus cry loads (quit crying so much!)
b) Assume “Pattie The Effing Weirdo” must be someone else, and then get on with your chess


If you answered mostly a)s: you have huge self-confidence problems. Sorry and too bad! :(

If you answered mostly b)s: you’re the best and you know it! Long live you!

Ok here’s to quizes and things! Hope you all are doing your weekends very much! love  x o x o Pattie

Positivity! pt. 2 :) :) :)

After my first post on positivity, I received this email:


‘I have a question Pattie….sometimes I feel positive  some days more negative…so what am I?”


UH ok well  first of all, if you’re going to email me, could you at least include ONE compliment about me or my blog? Otherwise how do I know you’ve sent it to the right person???! HMM??? Just say something about my hair or personality/wisdom. Doesn’t take long. I have never been accused of asking for much (Or if I have been accused of it, those people did NOT know what they were talking about!!! They are all lying sneaks and I wish only the worst upon them!!!)


Secondly, thanks so much for emailing me!!! I love emails loads! Any emails make my day, forever! Just this once (for you only), I’m going to ignore my raging doubts and assume that your email was intended for me. Apart from anything, you’ve asked a pretty interesting – albeit dumbass – question. So let’s go!


Now it is in fact a popular misconception that humans are ever a mix of sometimes positive and sometimes negative. You shouldn’t complicate life for yourself by trying to be complex! You’re either fully positive ( :) ) or fully negative ( :( ). And if you don’t believe me, find yourself a copy of Noel Edmonds’ Positively Happy: Cosmic ways to change your life (‘it is impossible not to be inspired’ – Daily Mail). Edmonds is a wholly positive person ‘by nature and nurture’, with a ‘positive outlook’, ‘positive attitude to life’, and phenomenal grasp of the concept of ‘Cosmic Ordering’.


But would you like to know just one of the things Noel Edmonds and Pattie Brewster have in common? We haven’t always been this way…


“Wait, so is it possible to change then Pattie?”



Become a positive person! With…. Pattie Brewster!


There are three main reasons why people are negative people

1. They focus on what they don’t have.

2. They focus on the bad stuff they do have.

3. They’re very negative


Today we’ll tackle the first one. Hopefully it won’t take long. I’m not massively in to writing blog posts.


Focussing on what you don’t have – instead of the good things you do have have – will bring you down and keep you negative. Before I crossed over to the other side with Noel, I used to focus on my lack of human friends. I used to sit around all day on my house-chair feeling low, feeling lonely, and feeling so seriously itchy guys.


Then developed this exercise  which can change your life too!


Write a list of all the things you don’t have, which you spend time wishing you did. And then for every thing you don’t have, write two things you do have. You will end up with a positive list exactly 2.5 times longer than the negative one. If you know anything at all about maths that is.

Here’s an example list (not mine, just a general one I made up, could be anyone’s at all!).


Things I (Pattie Brewster) don’t have:

  1. Friends (ANY)
  2. Dogs (because I hate them!)
  3. Any reason to get up daily
  4. Relationships with my family. Other than my brother Freddo (Freddo is my brother!)


Things I DO have:

  1. Self-belief/Self-love/Friendship with myself/Huge confidence
  2. 100 cats! (give or take… who actually counts their cats/?!?!)
  3. Tiny bit of cleaning to do in the day once I’m up and I’ve dirtied everything sufficiently
  4. A PERFECT relationship with my brother Freddo!!!! (Heya Freddo if you’re reading this!!! *)
  5. So many sweaters to be enjoyed on a complicated knit-rotation-system
  6. The toastiest-warm slippers I know!
  7. Anoraks wherever I want them
  8. Cups, straws and fizzy tango (in case anyone out there ever wants to come over?)
  9. Hairbraids and hairbands, movies for movie nights, pajamas, bracelet, jam, music boxes, biscuits, sequins, train sets, glasses, funny hats, sleeping bags, slinkys, silly-put and fun oils (in case anyone out there ever wants to come over?)
  10. My dreams


Not a bad list from a list-perspective! Try writing your own! And feel free to send me any examples! I’m a lady that loves any emails, whatever the content! :) <3 :)

Positivity and Pattie! From Pattie x o x o x



* He won’t be reading it so I’ve forgotten know why I ever wrote that any more! Freddo has a joke about hating everything I say and write! As well as everything else about me

Positive Thinking!!!! pt. 1

If you can read these words, you can read (words) and therefore clearly have had an education. The simple act of remembering and feeling grateful for this is an example of positive thinking! If you’re not sitting on your chair crying so much right now (the tears streaming down, they’re falling… falling), well that’s something positive too! And if you’re not in a war or something else bad, then that is also positive (positive thinking)! Finally, if you aren’t engaged in an ongoing feud with some crappy new cat who won’t love you properly in the right ways all the time, then maybe could you try to think positively about that? It’s certainly clear that your life is better than mine right now. I should say at this point that I really do have it very, very tough.


So this post is about positive thinking. Positive thinking means very carefully being positive. It’s the opposite of negative thinking, negativity, and bad.

“Wait, so what is all this about ‘negative thinking’ Pattie?”

Negative thinking is focusing on what you don’t have (money, fame, cars, slippers, beautiful women, ok hair and garlic), as well as on the bad stuff you do have (maybe huge anxieties, crippling waves of the blues, possibly actual depression, lasting boredom, stress that paralyses you daily, and certainly: a life-long sense of dread).


There is no doubt a lot to feel low about in this world.


The fortunate few are the ones who haven’t actually noticed this yet. They are genuinely living without seeing the truth, and they are the dweebs already think positively. The rest of the world are called: all the other people.


“So how do I know which type of person I am?”


Here’s a little questionnaire to help you decide! Simply answer yes or no to the questions below, and find out once and for all if you are a positive or a negative person! :) :) :) :) :)


  1. Are you very positive (a positive person)?
  2. Do other people think you’re a positive person?
  3. Do you think you’re a positive person?
  4. Do you not mainly think negatively?
  5. Are you not a negative man? Or a negative woman?
  6. Are you usually interpreting the world positively?
  7. Do you tend to interpret the world positively (some of these questions are the same questions)

If you mainly answered yes: then congratulations and get lost!

If you mainly answered no, then you are dark-minded, negative and probably sad.

I am very sorry for you, and I hope you’re ok these next few days before I do my next post, in which I will solve all your problems for you, for good, for now.

Chin up everyone!

And lots of love, Pattie xxxx


Today we’re talking about affirmations.

“Affirmations Pattie? Sounds a bit like a statement asserting something without proof

NOPE. That’s allegations. We’re talking about affirmations.

“Oh! Affirmations! Sounds like something else! Maybe something kind of liquidy like a soup?”.

NOPE. That’s soup. Or alternatively a stew or a kind of juice? It’s not clear. Besides, we’re talking about affirmations.


Affirmations are declarations that something is true, and if they’re about you, they can have a huge impact on your self-esteem. Ever thought back on something critical that someone once said to you as a child, and realised it’s affected the way you see yourself now? “Pattie you are always hanging around and hiding, you are a snoopy, snoopy child”? Or perhaps even: “Pattie your legs are too weak, like bad arms”. I’m not saying these have had an effect on me – actually I don’t even remember them being said at all, and I’ve never even heard them before in my whole life – but hypothetically they could well have done. To a huge extent.


But don’t go round cutting off everyone from your formative years (unless you want to, personally I can really recommend it). Those people are not the only ones directing negative affirmations your way! We’re all guilty of them too. Ever told yourself off? Or criticised yourself harshly? Ever thought: “Hmm, I don’t think I like myself very much! I am messy, I’m untidy, and I’m sick of squishing so much stuff in my kitchen underfoot!”. These are also examples of negative affirmations. The more you repeat them, you guessed it: the more you will believe them to be true.


Fortunately, there’s a Pattie Solution in the form of Positive Affirmations! :) :) :) Positive affirmations are like negative ones but backwards! And less negative. If we create some and repeat them to ourselves, they will affect all areas of our lives positively. AND FOREVER! :) :) Self-perception! Self esteem! Careers! Relationships! Personality! Cats! Dreams and goals! Friendships! Dreams! Cats and kittens! Other things!


So why not make some positive affirmations of your own? . Change your whole entire life in every respect for the better today! All you have to do is make sure your affirmations are: in the present tense, positive, personal, specific, and nothing to do with death, fear of dying or knowing that we’re all essentially alone.

To help you out, here are some examples of affirmations I’ve found online on the internet’s websites, or made up myself. Repeat them to yourself aloud, or print them out and read them regularly/all the time:

  1. I like myself so much!
  2. I am unique and very special
  3. I am perfectly me/perfectly Pattie
  4. I am loving towards my pets and I can see trust and the sweetest infatuation in their eyes
  5. I am taller than many “little people” and some children
  6. I am powerful, I am the boss, I am Pattie
  7. I am persistent and good at always getting my way (the best way)
  8. People learn from me as I know a lot
  9. I have hair bigger than many huge bags
  10. The universe loves me :) , it’s my mate

To positivity and Pattie ! xxx :) :)

Visualisation (or how I became my perfect self)

A lot of people ask me how I turned out this way. By this, I’m assuming they mean, how I turned out to be so perfect.

The Pattie you see before you (if you’re currently imagining me in your head), hasn’t always been like this. Before I started on my self-help journey, I was actually a marginally less good version of myself! A round 9 out of 10, if I’m honest. With flatter hair and a sense of longing. However, after reading a book called “Visualise the Perfect Pattie” (another of my own), I became inspired to use the power of my imagination to change myself for the better and make my own Pattie dreams come true!!!


The best way to become perfect (plus get rid of any low self-esteem or sense of crappiness) is to visualise your ideal self. Visualisation techniques involve using your imagination to make things happen in your life. They’re used by elite athletes, writers, psychologists, Pattie Brewster, entrepreneurs, successful people, and other people who use it!


Here’s all you have to do:

1. Imagine yourself as perfect (or in my case: as a perfect girl)

2. Add a lot of detail into this vision. The thing I often notice about detail is that – as with sweaters and eggs or other stuff – the more of it the better. Fill your image with extra visual, auditory, textual and kinesthetic* information.

What do you look like as a perfect person?

What do you smell like and feel like?

Are your pets there?

So are you guys all playing together so nicely hmm?

Who’s winning?

Is anyone itchy or rashy anywhere?

These are the things to consider

3. Make sure you’re experiencing your vision from your own perspective. Not anyone else’s from outside. So for instance, if you know that someone hates you so much, and that they are lying and a sneak and they don’t like you because they are stupid and boring, don’t visualise yourself from their perspective! Do it from your own. No-one is more of a fan of you than yourself (if you’re me).

4. Imagine only in positives. Instead of: “I am not cold and ugly” or “I am not so seriously lonely without anyone human to talk to”, think: “I am warm and snuggly and tall” and “everyone in the whole world likes me, I can hear them chanting about it outside!”


* a good word. It doesn’t actually matter what the definition is though, so DO NOT pester me for it!!!

When you know what you want, and you visualise it in your mind and hold it there, the universe will deliver it to you! This is called magic law of attraction. And here’s how I’ve used my own imagination to become the Pattie of my own dreams:


Opposites and Reframing

I’ve always been interested in opposites*. A little exercise in opposites: close your eyes and think about opposites…. Now open them! See????!!!

A lot of people ask me what my favourite opposites are. I think probably it’s a toss-up between cats/dogs and kitties/humans? Or maybe windows/doors. Opposites are everywhere (little exercise: accept this statement as fact).

In the realm of self-help, the most important opposites are: negative/positive, crappy/less so, and pre-improvement/not-bothering-with-improvement (maybe you’ve got other stuff on?).

Today we’re tackling the first one: negative to positive.

This opposites is incredibly close to my personal heart. Growing up near The Marshland, I was sometimes referred to negatively.** The Brewsters are big on nicknames, as well as the usual family pushing, shoving and locking. Normally the nicknames were ok.*** Other times not.**** When I moved to the big city – far from the natural vegetation scenes of my childhood – I taught myself how to change all the negatives into positives. Once and for all!

Pattie advice

If the people/doinks in your life are prone to pointing out what’s wrong with you, know everyone that you DO NOT have to accept this and hate yourself so much everyday!!! You can do one of three things:

  1. Hurt the person who told you that in the first place
  2. Change yourself so those things aren’t true anymore
  3. Reframe them

Now say somebody says that you’re whiney,****** your first two options are to hurt them, or change so you’re not whiney. Both of these will take ages and you’ve probably got stuff to feed. I’d leave yourself five hours for each. Your third option? reframe it guys!!! This takes less time, and everyone – no matter how tall – can spare a few milliseconds here and there.


Reframing is my number one tip for keeping your confidence huge. It involves changing negative thoughts into positive ones and seeing yourself in an improved light. Here are some of my best reframes (1991 to the current day) *******:

Negative attribute –> Positive reframe

Whiney –> less whiney

Nosy –> enterprising/curious

Useless –> challenged

Disruptive –> energetic

Hugely + overwhelmingly aggressive –> dynamic

Lonely and bad –> Making the most of the fact that there is no law against enjoying your own company

Domineering and controlling –> assertive

Naggy –> persevering and knowing that others WILL let you down

Angry –> aware of what everyone else is truly like in this world

Small –> not small

Bad hair –> HMM?

Go away Pattie –> no

So now you know! Now you never need feel bad about yourself again. So go and be confident and know that it’s all because of Pattie! J

Bye guys!!!!!!!!!

* eg dark/light, black/white (or another colour, doesn’t matter), so so sad/happy etc

** Won’t specify how many times, but consider the numerical region of >1000

*** Can’t think of any examples right now but I write down all the compliments I receive in my compliments journal so I can look up later!

**** I don’t write these down any more as I only used to in order to burn them afterwards and my neighbours on both side (in tandem with the council) have banned me from fires.*****

***** Ok FINE just thought of two: “Minx-Pot” and “The Horrible Whiner”

****** I don’t know why I’m using ‘whiney’, nobody’s ever said that about me before. I’ve never even heard of that word actually.

******* Some of these I’ve borrowed from Lisa B in her lovely and pink lifestyle book: Lisa B: Lifestyle Essentials (Cambridge: Icon Books Ltd, 2008)

I’m writing a book everyone!!!

As many of you will know (if you’ve ever actually bothered to try and memorise any facts about me), I am a writer. Mainly I write self-help books. Not for publication though, just for myself.* Why for myself? Well have any of you ever heard the writing tip “write what you know”? Well now think about it from a reader’s perspective, and you get: read what you know”. By popping in a whole new word I have created a whole new tip! This is just one of the reasons why I only like to read what I myself have already written. The sole other reason is that I’m a very good writer/the best writer. In the world as it happens actually, 2012.


Anyway, part of me (won’t say which) has been feeling guilty (-ish) that I’ve been keeping all these sweet-as-sugar books to myself. Plus also I have been receiving a LOT of comments from people asking to read some of them.** So – TADA!!!! – I’ve decided to write one for other people. And this is the new news! :lol:

You’re going to write a self-help book for everyone to read Pattie?”




So anyway I haven’t started it or even had any thoughts about it yet (I HAVE HAD OTHER STUFF TO GET ON WITH WILL YOU GET OFF MY BACK AND STOP PESTERING ME PLEASE!) But I do know why my book is going to be:

1) better than any of the other self-help books out there

2) the only self-help book you’ll ever need

If you go into a book shop and look on the shelf,*** you will see hundreds upon millions of self-help books.**** Why are there so many? Are they not working? No. They’re not.*****

What will make mine different?****** It’ll work. And how will it work? By being so good.*******


So that’s why you should read my book! Book by Pattie! Only make sure you read it only once I’ve actually written it (do NOT try and do it before everyone. HMM?!)

Meantime I will be writing my self-help thoughts here so you can get true Pattie flavour and know every time, how to be ok in this land.


Forever yours from one to you,

Pattie :roll:


*Personal favourites include: Why do I have to be me all the time?, Who’s that Rashy Girl in the Corner?, and the survivalist misery-memoir Infancy in the Wasteland.

**Sample comments/emails: “Oh Pattie you are greatest girl I want to know you every day… what long hair… so soft…so shiny… so big… softest thing I know… and I love your hair… anyway I guess I just think you’re so fun and everything else… well anyway can I read a book please?”

*** I’m not suggesting you actually do this, most of the time you can do everything you need to do in your own house. There is actually rarely any reason for anyone to ever leave their home. Since learning how to buy cat food online, I realise I need technically need to go out ever again

****Between exactly 15 books, and a number much larger

*****But mine will

******It’s going to work

*******And really working